Beth's Blog

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

It's been a while

Odd. I haven't even thought about this blog for a while. Now I see that I abandoned it after one post, almost 2 years ago.

The only reason I really looked it up again was that I saw that pilot for Pretty/Handsome, and felt like writing something about it. But now that I think about it, I wonder how I managed to get through the past couple of years without venting here.

This month has been particularly rough. I have two children in Israel, and both of them have birthdays in June. And whoever decided that Father's Day should be held midway between them should be shot. Then my partner's mother passed away last week, and I found out that friends of mine, who I'd kind of assumed knew I was trans, actually don't. Which believe it or not, is almost as much of a cause for nervousness as the opposite would be.

And then there's Lilly. Gah. I mean, I posted about her on the Dina list, but it's still bugging me. My partner works some hours as a lifeguard, and knows Lilly from there. Lilly is this local frum lady, who apparently knows all about me. She went to the head of the Agudah here in town and asked him how to relate to me, and he told her that I was to be considered a guy. So that's what she does. She's told my partner that if we were ever to break up (chas v'shalom), that she'd probably have to get a get.

She knows this Orthodox lesbian couple, and was going to introduce them to us, because it's not like there are dozens of us around here. But she decided that since one of them is really frum and really makpid on yichud, she couldn't, in all fairness, introduce us without telling them about me. My partner's response was to tell her it wasn't for her to tell. As a result, she won't make the introduction.

I thought about going to this rabbi and pointing out to him that even if he doesn't hold by the psak that says I'm halakhically female, I'm entitled to, but my daughter (not the one in Israel, the one here) is in day school here, and I can see a rabbi who would rule that way without so much as talking to me deciding to get her kicked out. Basically, I'm afraid of him.

I think that's what gets me the most. I'm not accustomed to backing down and being afraid. But it's not just me. I have to think about my partner and our daughter, too. Otherwise, I probably would have gone kamikaze a long time ago.


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